A smile is but a simple mask in which we can use to tell people that everything is going to be okay. All I have to do is keep on smiling. I cannot show my weakness, no not now. I have put in way too much effort for me to blow off any of these chances now. But how long can I hold this mask on for. I will have to break eventually, nothing ever lasts. I dread what happens when my mask fails.
From the outside my life looks mostly good. There are some obvious improvements but I am still going well. This is great and all, but to me it is not enough. I don't know if it ever will be enough. I might be doing these things that I have only dreamed of, but still I don't have it all, but I want it, I want it all.
I want a job, is that too much to ask for in this world. You would think that it is a reasonable thing to ask. Then why must this be thing that I am constantly denied. I am nothing without a job. I am even reminded this all the time by those I live with. They say "you can live all the dreams you want to, but if you don't have a job you won't be able to support yourself". I know all to well. I feel like I can't now, or maybe I need to learn some self control on my spending. Maybe it is both. I could just be totally delusional, but then again, if I was I would not know it, so I guess that is for others to decide.
So here I am a man full of dreams, but without a way to get to them. I want to get there but I am held back, there are just always more and more obstacles. So what if I do get a job? I would spend so much time doing that job that my dreams would die off to the side and I will never get to where I want. It just seems like I am not meant to win in this life. Why can I not have any luck come my way.
Having a job is not the only problem I have. I am torn between a few people who I love. My life is just so difficult because of this. This spilt between these people is really taking its toll on me. I have no idea if I have made the right chouce or not. I also have no idea how I am supposed to stop being atached to the others.
Tomorrow I will take the train to a better place. I will depart with a smile, I must not show my weakness.